The Worst Movie you’ve Never Heard of, starring a Bay Area Sports Legend.

Retiring as a professional athlete is not easy. Sure, athletes make a ton of money, but think about it this way. Imagine spending your entire life working towards 1 career, 1 dream and that ends before you turn 35. Now you need to find something else to pursue and make a living with. A select few can easily leverage their celebrity to other money-making opportunities, but for most they have to get creative. In his 9 year career, all with the 49ers, Dwight Clark carved out a strong legacy. He was Joe Montana’s favourite receiver in the early 80s, won 2 Super Bowls and caught ‘The Catch’, one of the most iconic moments in NFL history, let alone 49er history. His #87 jersey was retired after his final season in 1987. He was far from a nobody. Still, when he retired, he had to find something new. He found that new thing as a member of the 49ers executive branch in the 1990s, but he also had a side-venture. It was very brief and would end up being a one-time thing, but I think it deserves appreciation. Mainly because it is pure comedy. In the early 90s, the D.A.R.E. Program, yes, the one you are thinking of, was working alongside California’s San Leandro Police Department to create an anti-drug PSA that kids would want to watch. How would they do that? I imagine the conversation went something like this: do you remember Kindergarten Cop? Beloved comedy movie starring handsome buff guy, what if we just did that? Thus, Kindergarten Ninja was born and famous athlete and heart throb Dwight Clark was brought in to be the leading man. I tried my best to find why he starred in this, considering this was his 1 and only acting role, but found nothing. My best guess is he just really cared about D.A.R.E’s cause. I highly recommend you watch the full movie because it is a top tier so bad it’s good movie and it’s fully available on YouTube (link in the comments). However, since I watched this movie twice, allow me to give you a summary of what this movie entails. Dwight Clark is Blade Steel (that is his real name). 2-time MVP football player for the San Francisco Gold Rush. He’s also a womanizer and an alcoholic, culminating in an incident where he gets caught drunk driving in a hilariously bad and unrealistic depiction. Steel is arrested and taken to trial. During that trial, the judge called him “the worst person I have ever met” and sentenced him to 90 days of community service, the horror. Steel is assigned “children’s sports” where he just keeps an eye on a bunch of kids at a community centre. So far, this seems normal, don’t worry, here is where it goes off the rails. We then cut to Heaven (Yes, I’m being serious) and we meet a man named Bruce doing some martial arts with George Washington and Elvis. I wonder who that could be. After Bruce finishes up, God tells him that he hasn’t earned the right to become an Angel yet, he must perform a miracle first. That miracle will be reforming Blade Steel. Bruce accepts the challenge and decides the best way to help Steel is through Martial Arts. During Bruce’s first interactions with Steel, we learn about one of his students. Their name is Chosen Juan, a blind master of karate who teaches Steel karate through a few agonizing montages. Steel takes the lessons he learned and has Chosen Juan teach the kids karate as well for him. Did you forget this was a D.A.R.E. project? At the same time as Steel is learning and having a blind man teach kids martial arts, there is a new drug on the scene called Buzz. It’s made in China, has no scent, gives a quick high and is seemingly only sold to children. The police are helpless to combat it and the ringleader of their operation is a man named Hector Machete. A ruthless Italian mob boss that beats up children for fun. To make matters even worse, he has the mayor in his pocket. Mayor Crookalini, perhaps the least trustworthy name I have ever seen. It’s now up to Blade Steel to stop them. We then cut back to Steel for my favourite scene of the movie. The kids are in a slide-conga-line of some kind while one of the female teachers approaches Steel, asking him out to dinner, specifically to a restaurant called “Clark’s by the Bay” which was Dwight Clark’s actual restaurant he had in San Francisco. Right when she says the name, an ad for Clark’s restaurant appears on screen in a clear cut example of shameless promotion. Steel, for his part, mentions it’s an old football player’s place and says “Boy was he overrated… but his food is not”. I’ll cut off the summary there. Will Blade Steel stop machete? Will Bruce become an angel? Will Crookalini be exposed? You’ll have to watch the movie to find out. I sincerely hope this convinced you to watch it. If nothing else, I’m happy you now know this so bad it’s good movie exists.

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